Alignment with what?

A personal reflection on ‘ticking all the boxes’, conformity, and a different way to approach alignment.

Alignment has become a bit of a buzzword in coaching, therapeutic, and spiritual spaces. It’s certainly a term I use frequently in my life and in my work as a transformational coach. But that hasn’t always been the case.

For most of my childhood and early adult years, long before I knew what alignment even was, I thought I was on the right track. I followed the path I was supposed to. If you needed a prime example of a high achiever, I was it. I ticked all the boxes on my ‘becoming a successful adult’ checklist: work hard, choose the ‘right’ subjects at school, get good grades, go to university, pursue a conventional, respectable career, move to London etc… I fully subscribed to the belief that good career + salary = success.

But even after all of that, something still felt off. I’d ticked all the boxes, hit all the achievements and benchmarks I was meant to (often overshooting by some margin), but still felt like I hadn’t yet ‘got there’. Wherever ‘there’ was.

I felt constantly exhausted and drained;
Had one niggly health issue after another;
Never felt settled, at ease, or ‘at home’ – no matter where I was;
Lacked enjoyment and fulfilment in my work and constantly questioned my purpose;
Was a devoted member of the Sunday scaries club;
And - if I sat still and quiet for long enough – could just about make out a small voice saying, “there must be more than this.”

What I now know to be some of my signs of misalignment.

But it’s not as simple as just saying that I was ‘out of alignment’.
Because, technically, I wasn’t. I was supremely aligned…

With the outside world.
With society’s values, beliefs, and expectations.
With external measures of success.
With what I had been taught to align with.

Understandably so - because aligning with the systems we belong to ensures fitting in. And conformity equals acceptance, which equals safety. Something humans are hardwired for.

Conformity —> Acceptance —> Safety

Plus, we live in a world that tends to trust only what can be seen, measured, and proven. Which left me not knowing how to interpret or trust the subtle signs and signals from my intuition and inner guidance. So, of course I relied on society’s ‘map’ for direction.

Since then, it’s been a long journey of reconnecting with myself, exploring my inner landscape, and getting to know myself again. Over time, I’ve gained clarity on my beliefs, values, emotions, needs and desires - essentially, everything that makes me me.

I’m learning to listen to and allow myself to be guided by my inner wisdom (or intuition, gut, true self, inner knowing, inner guide… whatever feels right for you). And am in the process of making changes in my life to reflect and honour those things.

And guess what?
The exhaustion has eased.
The dread has lifted.
The Sunday scaries have stopped becoming a weekly feature.

But, it leaves me thinking about alignment and our understanding of it. It seems to me that it’s not as binary as ‘being in alignment’ or not. It’s more nuanced than that. More a question of, “What are you aligned with?” And, “How congruent is it with your inner landscape?”

Because inherited beliefs, values, desires, and ideas of success aren’t inherently bad. That’s absolutely NOT what I’m trying to say. It just so happens, that in my case, a lot of them weren’t compatible with my own. Which over time, took its toll.

So, as I said, perhaps the question isn’t, “Am I in alignment?”
But instead, “What am I currently aligned with?”
Because we are always aligned with something - a value system, a belief structure, a definition of success. The hard part is deciphering whether it’s one that truly belongs to us.

If I were starting this journey again - back in the days of Sunday scaries - I don’t think I’d begin by asking whether I was ‘out of alignment.’ I wouldn’t have the first clue about where to begin in answering that.

I might instead get curious about what I was orienting my life and decisions around – what values, beliefs, or desires?
What definitions of success were guiding my choices?
And, if I were to really slow down for a moment, how did it make me feel - honestly?

I’d hope that would provide me with a solid starting point.

I’m currently creating a free Alignment Audit workbook for anyone who’d like to explore this process in more depth. I’ll be sharing it via my newsletter when it’s ready.

And if you’d appreciate some 1:1 support, this is exactly the kind of work I do with my coaching clients.

In the meantime, if you feel comfortable, I’d love to hear what comes up for you.

- George